Today.

Today I feel confused
overwhelmed
tangled
sullen
trapped
uncomfortable
nervous


and I don't know why.


I just want to lie in bed, all day, and not do anything.
I'm biting my nails and biting my lip.
Wringing my hands. 


My mind is eating itself up.
Jaw clenching.
Flash of anger.
Confusion again.
My thoughts are chasing each other through my head so fast that I can't catch hold of even one of them.


I'm drawing a blank.
Time to force myself up and out.

11/11/10

It's funny because when I got home today I could
smell you on my skin and it made me not want to get in the shower
because that feeling of being wanted,
that ever so brief feeling,
might wash off too.
It's weird because I hardly know you and you probably think nothing of our fumbling around for hours today,
but even kissing you just made me feel happy,
because you wanted to kiss me,
and that's enough for me.
You said you like the contours as you were running your hands up my body and I asked "what's that?" and you said, "The lines that make up a shape," and you said, "Like here, and here," and put your hand on my waist and my shoulder, as we lay facing each other.
You kissed my forehead too and held me for most of the night,
and because we were sober this time it made it
a hundred times better.
I know it's all not a big deal at all, but I haven't felt that warm inside
for a long time.

Change.

Time changes quicker than we imagine it to.
Thoughts change.
Feelings change.
Ideas, desires, and opinions change, sometimes so much so that we wonder why we ever thought different to begin with.

Fleeting Moments Revisited.

I was driving through town yesterday with my dad when a boy got off a moped and was crossing the road in front of our car. 
He still had his helmet on and I suddenly recognised him. 
He looked right at me as he was crossing, and then took off his helmet as he reached the pavement, and we drove off as he disappeared into USA chicken. 
Maybe it was my mind playing tricks but I swear it was the boy I met briefly at the test centre only the day before.
Kinda sucks that I was eating a bacon roll and had bacon hanging out of my mouth at the time.
I wonder if it was him?

Fleeting Moments.

I met some guy today, fleetingly.
He was at the theory test centre, and so was I, and he asked if I would like to go in front of him in the queue for our results, and I got all flustered couldn't look him in the eye properly and said "No, no, it's fine." 
He got his stuff out of the locker and so did I and then he disappeared out the door. Seconds later, I was handed my results and left too.
Walking down the hallway, he turned and looked at me. "Did you pass?" he asked. 
"Uh, I'm not sure, I haven't looked," I said, opening my sheet. "Nope, I failed!"
"Ah, I failed last time," he said. 
We were chattering about the theory test and I blindly followed him into the lift, when normally I would have taken the stairs, as I'm slightly claustrophobic. We laughed about how confusing the results sheets were, and when we reached the ground floor, we ambled out of the lift and he said "See you," and left. And then he was gone, just like that.
Mum picked me up a few minutes later, and we got stuck in a queue for a couple of minutes, and I phoned my friend Sarah. When I looked out of the car window, I saw him, in his mum's car, parked on the side of the road, facing my way. I looked at him and smiled and he saw me but then we drove off.


It got me thinking about how many people we meet for a second, or a few minutes; people who, if we could have gotten to know better, could have been close friends, or partners. 


It's a shame I didn't just take a risk and ask for his number, or even his name, because now I will never see him again.

October.

I can't breathe, and the world squeezes in a little tighter.

I'm stuck, and I don't know which way to go.

I'm hollow, and the air that I breathe does not fill up my lungs.

I am tired, and I can't get enough sleep.

I am aching; I can feel it in every fibre of my body.

I am me, just me, and just me is not enough.

Lovestruck.

Smack!

My back hits the wall and you're

screaming in my face.

I wasn't crying before but now I've

started I can't stop.

I suddenly realise that I'm not even

 scared any more, and I'm tempted to see how

far you'll go.

I know I should leave but I know I never will

and I start to wonder...

what kind of person is this going to make me?

11:11

I wish I could stop eating because I feel guilty after nearly every bit of food.
I wish my parents were prouder.
I wish I spent more time with my brother.
I wish I hadn't told you everything.
I wish she hadn't changed.
I wish he had respected me and 
I wish I had respected myself.

I wish you'd cared and
I wish I hadn't cared.
I wish I could keep my mouth shut.
I wish I had smaller bones.
I wish people knew how much I care about them.
I wish I was sexier.
I wish I knew more.
I wish I knew why you aren't talking to me.
I wish she was happy.
I wish you felt what I felt.
I wish I was different.

As If

As if the walls would melt away into the air if I reached out and touched them.
As if what I am seeing isn't real.
As if my vision is obscured.
As if I'm not quite really there.
As if outside doesn't exist.
As if I am in a dream.
As if I'm alone.

Winter Chill

The icy chill of winter brings me no joy. The sharp, biting wind, and the ominous grey clouds, come with a solemn forewarning of the darkness to come.

Not just the darkness of the sky, and the dreariness of the days, but the mist creeping over my mind like a bad thought that won't go away.

My breath in the air looks no different to the smoke curling away from the cigarette between my fingers, and my eyes search for colour in the bleak landscape. Upon finding none, I casually flick my cigarette butt over the hedge, and turn to go back indoors, leaving the dull, depressing scenery behind.

This winter is going to be a tough one. 

The Rain

So the rain comes, and the clouds set in to darken our days and dampen our spirits.

I can't help but feel unsure about what it is that I am supposed to be doing with myself and with my time.

The future seems endless, yet so full of nothingness that I don't even know where to begin to turn it into something worthwhile. People that I love are leaving my life so abruptly that I don't even have time to gather my feelings and say a silent farewell. 

Desperately trying to fill the void, I search for new people to colour my life, yet it is evident that most are not what I expect them to be, or who I want to spend my time with.

It seems to me that rather than taking shape, my life is crumpling in on itself and causing me confusion and doubt. 

I just need to explode with colour, to bloom inside, but I have not got the inspiration to do so.

Oh, how I wish I could fall in love again. 

Oh, how I wish I was loved.