Today.

Today I feel confused
overwhelmed
tangled
sullen
trapped
uncomfortable
nervous


and I don't know why.


I just want to lie in bed, all day, and not do anything.
I'm biting my nails and biting my lip.
Wringing my hands. 


My mind is eating itself up.
Jaw clenching.
Flash of anger.
Confusion again.
My thoughts are chasing each other through my head so fast that I can't catch hold of even one of them.


I'm drawing a blank.
Time to force myself up and out.

11/11/10

It's funny because when I got home today I could
smell you on my skin and it made me not want to get in the shower
because that feeling of being wanted,
that ever so brief feeling,
might wash off too.
It's weird because I hardly know you and you probably think nothing of our fumbling around for hours today,
but even kissing you just made me feel happy,
because you wanted to kiss me,
and that's enough for me.
You said you like the contours as you were running your hands up my body and I asked "what's that?" and you said, "The lines that make up a shape," and you said, "Like here, and here," and put your hand on my waist and my shoulder, as we lay facing each other.
You kissed my forehead too and held me for most of the night,
and because we were sober this time it made it
a hundred times better.
I know it's all not a big deal at all, but I haven't felt that warm inside
for a long time.