My life feels empty. How do you move on from someone when all you want is to be with them; when the only reason to move on from them is because they ended it with you, even when they didn’t even seem to want to do that 100% anyway, and that is was, in their eyes, only the “least worst option”, not actually something they wanted?
I feel like I am breaking. He is everything that I want, except that seed of a doubt that he snowballed into something that it didn’t need to be. As someone said, it seems like he can’t take a risk with anything, can’t just see how things go, probably because he’s seen people he loves end after a long time of being together.
He has made both of us miserable over a seed of doubt. He has ended a great relationship over something that doesn’t seem coherent. “I’m happiest when I’m with you,” he said. Then why make us both unhappy?
“I just know I wouldn’t have these doubts if you were the one,” he said. But how does he know that he didn’t just create those feelings out of his own worries and fears?
Maybe he’s right. I mean, he did end it with me. It must have been a big enough problem for him to end such love, trust, intimacy, loyalty, and friendship. I must have not been what he wanted if he could end it with me over such feelings. Although last week he was saying that I was what he wanted, and that he wishes he had never written it down and that I had never read it, so that we could be how we were before. Surely that shows that he didn’t want to end it then, so how could it change so much within a week?
I will probably never have these answers. I will probably drive myself crazy wondering about it for years. Wondering if things could have been different, wondering that if we had stayed together would he have changed his mind and learned that there is no such thing as perfect? A friend said that the Western idea of love is so glorified that people have unrealistic expectations, and I think he has that problem. That thought makes it harder to bear because if only he could have viewed it all more clearly then maybe he would have seen things differently. But then again I will never know. Maybe he wouldn’t have. Maybe I was not the one for him, even if he was for me.
And here we are, an amazing two-year relationship ended over a thought that snowballed.
Our relationship worked so fucking well. It was just that seed of doubt: a seed of doubt caused by his tendency to over-think. That and the fact that he’s afraid of commitment because his parents broke up and his dad and step-mum broke up after that too. What he’s looking for is unattainable and its horrible because he will find that out and then it will be too late for us. He said our relationship was great and i said “so why?!”, and he said, “because it is not PERFECT.” Everyone with more experience knows that perfect doesn’t exist, and that when you have something really great you don’t let it go for your vision of perfect, because that’s a glorified Western idea that doesn’t exist. Or maybe, maybe it was not right for him and never would have been. I just don’t know.
Every day is so meaningless. I keep thinking that I could so easily end this excruciating pain with a bottle of pills or a blade to the wrists. I probably wouldn’t but it’s tempting sometimes.
Every moment of every day I need him. Only he can make me feel better, but only he can’t, unless he changed his mind, which I don’t think he will. All I want to do is have him hold me, stroke my hair, love me, tell me it’s going to be okay, but he’s chosen to never do that again.
I just want him, with every fibre of my being I love him, everything about him, every part of me is screaming for his touch, his voice, his words of comfort that he cannot give me.
I love him, I trust him, I want him, I need him; my best friend, my love, my world.
Please, come back.
