The silence is deafening; unbearable
all the gaps you have left behind cannot be filled:
a gaping chasm inside me
pain pushing me apart from the inside out
anguish ripping through me every second, every moment
tearing me to pieces
exploding through my veins

The deepest longing
for your touch
for your voice
for only you can make the pain subside

but you won't.

15/05/12

I am scratches
and holes in tights
and numbers
and many steps in the dark
I am sweat, blood, and tears
I am heart pumping
knees up
I am long red lines 
and vomit in the bottom of toilets
I am scars and bones
and the lack of prominence
I am dark circles 
bloodshot eyes
and angry black thoughts
I am misery and longing
and a certain sense of forgetfulness
I am aching limbs
blisters
closed lips
and many hot cups of tea
I am cigarette smoke and bleary eyes
I am veins and emptiness, tinged with death.
I am endless.
 

Cut me free
from this cage
this monstrosity
that binds my weightless soul
and keeps me here
heavy and chained
hurting
in misery
sometimes I think it may be fire that burns within
but I fear that all it is
is darkness
eating up all the light
inside of me
and the lights
have almost gone out

I need sunlight and
short walks 
and daffodils greeting my step
soft green grass
daisies and bumblebees
wooden beams
laughter
warm mattresses
and a clear head

but what I really have is
cold dark days
hard concrete
boxed in rooms
hollow words
and a blackness where my thoughts should be

I feel.

I feel.
I feel the biting wind on my skin,
and the burn in my legs,
and the strain in my back.
I feel my tired eyes,
and my emptiness.
I feel the darkness,
and the grab of a familiar force.
I feel the suffering,
and then,
all at once,
I feel nothing.