30/03/12

Sometimes
I wonder
what it would have been like
how things would have gone
but the pieces never fit and
I didn’t feel exactly
how I felt it should feel
I never have

but observations
sewn together
in small, kind words 
got me thinking 
about movies
and cigarettes
and phonecalls
and most importantly, texts sent too late

if I had felt how I felt it should feel
then
it seems likely that
it would all be different now
and
that’s not what I want:
I found my most precious moments
and a bright shining star
and I would never give that up

but
all I’m saying is
that I’m grateful that there is still something
and I’m grateful that there are still words. 

Spring Walk.

With cameras we strolled
up to the woods and back again
with me pausing 
every now and again
to capture spring at its finest;
the blossom and the berries 
the trees and the bumblebees 
and the blue, blue sky

The sunshine makes me feel carefree
as we amble down the lanes
exchanging stories and gossip
and you pine over the girl that you bake cakes with
the girl you go shopping with
and write song lyrics with
the girl that you have fallen for
but don't know how to tell
or even if you should say anything at all

We come to the bench and
we sit and I smoke and
we talk more about girls and boys
and how young it all starts now
and I realise how much older you have become all of a sudden
as if it happened overnight and I missed the bit in between 
and you are even taller than me now when I always expect you to be shorter

It's nice, you know, to walk with you
and to talk with you
and to be able to say things that I have wanted to say for a long time
but couldn't because you were young
but now we can talk about things, real things, and you are old enough to hear them
and old enough to answer to them too
and it's wonderful 
really wonderful
that we finally have so much to say 

We walk in silence and
the daffodils have started to come out

the birds are singing
and today the sun has decided to make an appearance

you ask me what I am thinking
and it is hard to ever answer now because
I am always thinking the same thing
and my mind is not itself any more

you think of things that I do not care for
and I think with a brain of shadows and darkness
yet we both push past the murky clouds between us and
you hold my hand
you hold my hand with yours 

Light
empty
weightless
pain

I feel my
synapses starting to stutter
my 
brain disconnecting
my mind is all
air
and 
space

My eyelids are heavy 
and so is my 
skull
but
my thoughts are so
light
that they float around without being held by
anything
at all. 

Apologies.

I want to apologise, if I may,
for the silences,
for the fire,
for the suffocating darkness,
for the marks on my body,
for the marks on my mind,
and for the burden of all of my years that you are shouldering with me.
I want to say that I didn't know that it would return,
and that I would not have wanted to drag you into the dirty ground with me,
and that I am torn between pushing you back up into the sunshine where I cannot follow and letting you have your way.
It's only that there are only a few things left that I enjoy:
the scent of my different types of tea; peppermint, chai, and blackcurrant, amongst others,
cigarettes,
your kisses,
and, the long talks we sometimes have,
sunshine,
and the long talks with my friends.
I find it hard to keep checking the clock to see if it is time to sleep yet,
to breathe a sigh of relief that I have made it through another day,
and that I can escape into nightmares,
which aren't nice either but it is better than being awake.
I never meant to sink,
and it makes it harder knowing that I may sink you too, and again,
I am sorry. 

Eating Disorder.

It is a little late, but this is for Eating Disorders Awareness Week, which was February 20th - 27th.