02/12/11 (2)

People think the nights are the worst,
and yes, they are terrible;
I can feel the absence of you in the space next to me,
and the deafening silence of you not breathing,
and the cold where your limbs should be wrapped around mine,
and I reach with my foot to find yours, but of course, it isn’t there.
But the worst, the absolute worst moment,
is just after that second where I wake up and the pain has been smoothed over in the relief of sleep; 
where dreams of reconciliation play out, or maybe no dreams at all,
where suddenly consciousness opens the doorway for realisation, which comes flying in at such a pace that it actually smacks me full on in the chest,
a huge wall of unrelenting misery, unbearable pain, aching loneliness, overwhelming longing, and unforgiving anguish, 
filling up my body, pulsing through my veins, weighing down my chest with the knowledge that I am left with a cavernous hole in my life, a gaping wound in my heart, and the screaming of every fibre of my being yearning for you.

02/12/12

I absolutely will survive
but I’d rather it be by your side
so we can face the world cheek to cheek
instead of staring at our feet
and forgetting the world which we knew
and letting it all go askew
because we could move forward together
and not be overcome by bad weather
and every second I would treasure
whether it be just for now or forever.
we gave it each other bits of sunshine
please come back and again be mine
you could not give a good reason to leave
but I would not stand there and beg and plead
even though I kind of wish I had
especially now that I’m so sad
but memory and pride would not let me
and so you left and so I bleed
inside mostly and sometimes out
and sit here crying in fear and doubt
I think you didn’t think this through
I think that this is not us, but you
I think you came to the wrong conclusions
I think you are wrapped up in your own confusion
I think that we are happiest together
than facing the world alone and hoping for better
because there is no better love than us
but there is a better life for you, its just
that you have to face up to your problems and fears
before you can be happy in life, my dear
it’s not us that needed to be changed, you see
it’s the rest of your life that you need to change to succeed
your dissatisfaction has been blamed on us
when you need to see the bigger picture, you must
because without you I’m unbearably alone
and wherever I’m with you, I feel like I’m home.
so please, take a moment, to assess how you feel
to re-evaluate, and think, and see what is real
maybe I am wrong, but at least tell me so
sort out your mind and then please let me know
because nothing makes sense, if we both lose
especially when we were so happy together, too.
I hope you know, I will be waiting on you
I cannot let you go, it’s not our time, its too soon.

27/11/12

I am hovering on the border between life and death. 
I am not living, but merely existing in darkness; in misery.
I want to make the feelings end, for the pain to stop, for this unbearable anguish to dissipate. Only one person can do that for me, and since they won’t, then living is not an option.

But I don’t want to die: I fear the nothingness of death, and I fear missing the possible change of events that could mean our reconciliation. Death would also mean causing the unbearable grief that I feel now on many others, yet they would not have the hope of a reunion that I do, since there would be no bringing me back.

And so I live in limbo, which is more of an existence than a life: breathing, carrying out a few daily tasks that I can manage, moving through life with no attention paid to time, for time has no meaning when you are carrying the thick, crushing waves of loneliness, loss, and longing inside of you.

It should not be this way when two people love each other so, when two people care and share as we did, when two people carry around a part of each other within their hearts. It is not right, and the decision was messy, unprepared, confused, and an entanglement of misdirected emotions. Open your eyes, whilst I am still waiting (I will always be waiting).

22/11/12 (2)

I really want to talk to you now,
and tell you,
how my day has been and how the rain keeps making my feet cold,
to ask you what have you been up to,
and to tell you what I am thinking of baking next
and how you’d love the mince pies my dad has bought for us,
and how I will save you one,
and how I cannot wait, to see you next 
to hold you, to kiss you, and to tell you that I love you,
but,
although I love you more than anyone could ever love anyone,
and although you love me too,
you let me go and,
I cannot tell you, how much I miss you, how much I need you,
how I long for your touch, and your voice, and your love,
every second of every hour of every day,
and how it is killing me inside, 
every second of every hour of ever day. 

22/11/12

3.39am and I’m too scared to sleep because the room is so deafeningly silent and my bed is so obviously empty on your side.

The warmth of your body and the steady inhale and exhale of your breath is missing and I lie alone at night, craving your presence and feeling the cavernous hole inside me that is fraught with misery, 
expand even farther with an explosion of unbearable pain, 
leaving me to ache, all night long, 
until sleep numbs me, 
just for me to wake up in the morning to find you gone again, 
and with that realisation, 
resume my suffering.

20/11/12

My experience of the world has numbed; become blurred, like I myself am not really here, just going through the motions of being alive, but carrying around a heavy, heavy misery within me. Then there are the frequent bursts of white hot pain in my chest, under my skin, inside my skull, some that I push forcefully back inside, and others that escape me in drawn out cries and anguish that I cannot bear, until my body shuts down my mind again and returns me to that hollow, aching state that allows me to exist in my misery (I don’t want to exist in this misery).

18/11/12

Even the air smells like you and you’re everywhere in the atmosphere: in the sunlight coming through the trees, in the walk from mine into town, in the warmth of my bedroom, in the empty space in my bed. 

I feel like you belong in them, and you ripped yourself away. Now all that is left is a pressure in my chest that reminds me that you were, such a short time ago, here. 

The silence is deafening; unbearable
all the gaps you have left behind cannot be filled:
a gaping chasm inside me
pain pushing me apart from the inside out
anguish ripping through me every second, every moment
tearing me to pieces
exploding through my veins

The deepest longing
for your touch
for your voice
for only you can make the pain subside

but you won't.

I am flesh and bones and blood and muscles and organs. I am scars and tattoos and piercings and make-up and hair dye and scabs and skin. I am pain and anger and love and trust and misery and honesty and fear. I am fire and edges and thunderstorms and whispers and bite-marks and lust and the second the shutter snaps down. I am tired and energised and head and heart and old and new and life and death. 
I am able to carry the world on my shoulders but even a leaf could crush me where I stand.

Spring Walk.

With cameras we strolled
up to the woods and back again
with me pausing 
every now and again
to capture spring at its finest;
the blossom and the berries 
the trees and the bumblebees 
and the blue, blue sky

The sunshine makes me feel carefree
as we amble down the lanes
exchanging stories and gossip
and you pine over the girl that you bake cakes with
the girl you go shopping with
and write song lyrics with
the girl that you have fallen for
but don't know how to tell
or even if you should say anything at all

We come to the bench and
we sit and I smoke and
we talk more about girls and boys
and how young it all starts now
and I realise how much older you have become all of a sudden
as if it happened overnight and I missed the bit in between 
and you are even taller than me now when I always expect you to be shorter

It's nice, you know, to walk with you
and to talk with you
and to be able to say things that I have wanted to say for a long time
but couldn't because you were young
but now we can talk about things, real things, and you are old enough to hear them
and old enough to answer to them too
and it's wonderful 
really wonderful
that we finally have so much to say 

We walk in silence and
the daffodils have started to come out

the birds are singing
and today the sun has decided to make an appearance

you ask me what I am thinking
and it is hard to ever answer now because
I am always thinking the same thing
and my mind is not itself any more

you think of things that I do not care for
and I think with a brain of shadows and darkness
yet we both push past the murky clouds between us and
you hold my hand
you hold my hand with yours 

Apologies.

I want to apologise, if I may,
for the silences,
for the fire,
for the suffocating darkness,
for the marks on my body,
for the marks on my mind,
and for the burden of all of my years that you are shouldering with me.
I want to say that I didn't know that it would return,
and that I would not have wanted to drag you into the dirty ground with me,
and that I am torn between pushing you back up into the sunshine where I cannot follow and letting you have your way.
It's only that there are only a few things left that I enjoy:
the scent of my different types of tea; peppermint, chai, and blackcurrant, amongst others,
cigarettes,
your kisses,
and, the long talks we sometimes have,
sunshine,
and the long talks with my friends.
I find it hard to keep checking the clock to see if it is time to sleep yet,
to breathe a sigh of relief that I have made it through another day,
and that I can escape into nightmares,
which aren't nice either but it is better than being awake.
I never meant to sink,
and it makes it harder knowing that I may sink you too, and again,
I am sorry. 

How nice it was:
you rocking me gently;
your arms around me,
and your breath in my ear,
and we both know that
it is okay
to say nothing for a while
and just let our chests
rise and fall
with our heartbeats.  

Untitled.

I had a dream last night;

a dream that I found a book.
Inside that book were,
more or less,
the words;
I saw the wires to the bridge snap,
and it plunged into the water below.
On that bridge were walking two lovers,
and they plunged into the water too.
They tried to reach each other,
but the current pulled them apart.
She died.

Sinking,
back into my mind,
being left alone with my thoughts and,
it's not what I wanted.
I wanted warm, soft sleep,
and sandwiches,
and sunshine,
and ice cream,
and photographs filled with light,
and nights filled with ideas and inspiration,
but what I got is,
nightmares with a dry throat and a ton of guilt,
emptiness,
fear of numbers,
a grey tint giving me a bleak output and a hand down,
a cloud,
hanging over my brain,
shrouding it.
I just can't seem to think properly.


And you,
you lift it;
for a moment, I get to feel right,
I get to forget it and sink into you.
The odd flash reminds me, but,
I am at home with you,
and sometimes
just sometimes,
I am perfect.


And this is why I don't like it when we have to leave each other,
because my brain hurts,
and my stomach aches,
and the warmth in my body seems to disappear.
I fold up,
collapse,
fall in on myself.


Some days I am okay,
but being alone is harder than it used to be.
You make colours brighter and feelings stronger and I don't know how you do it,
but I wish I could learn how.


I just need to keep busy.

Your love
seeping through the broken parts of my mind
trying to close the cracks
to fill the pieces that are void of sanity.
Secrets are meant to be kept
but I can't hide from you
and I can't lie to you
hurling out what's meant to be left alone
and it was more than ever before and it was easy.
The days are so hard having to feel this when I go over the numbers
that I set for myself
and I feel like I am being paraded around like a bad example for myself.
I can't bear the things that show me the truth
but I can't stop looking
and all I want to do is get the fuck away from myself.
I ruined myself, and I want to gain control again,
and by this, I will ruin myself a second time over.