Ugly.

I am ugly on the outside and
ugly on the inside
I am ugly to me and
I am ugly to you 


I am a ghost or a shadow
lost inside myself
caught in a web that I have become  
horribly comfortable sitting in and
I’m almost smiling as I’m being eaten alive
I feel empty you see, but so full of that emptiness 

I love you when you’re gone
but I can’t cough it up when you’re around
and it’s not fair because I know it’s there
but I can’t push it from my core outwards
it’s burning in me but my lips are like ice and my body is cold 

and when I’m alone I want you
but when you’re beside me I crave solitude and silence
and I hate myself for every time I flinch and push away
and I despise myself for having no suggestions
for feeling everything and nothing
for not having anything to say
for the hardness in me where I was once gentle
and for the way that I am no longer much of myself
and instead I am endless numbers and fears and anger


I am ugly on the outside and
ugly on the inside
I am ugly to me and
I am ugly to you 
and I am so numb to it all but
I know my heart is breaking
you are everything that I need
but I don’t know what to do