How nice it was:
you rocking me gently;
your arms around me,
and your breath in my ear,
and we both know that
it is okay
to say nothing for a while
and just let our chests
rise and fall
with our heartbeats.  

Fire.

The new layer of paint on the wall is cracking,
and those all too familiar bursts of despair are seeping through the gaps.
Hopelessness courses through my body like a poison, 
turning my thoughts black,
forcing open my mouth whilst my brain screams silently inside of my skull.

It rains in the morning,
and I don’t want to get out of bed.

I am incarcerated in this body, and trapped in this mind,
and they follow me everywhere,
and there is no escape.

I am fire, 
and I am burning him alive. 

Untitled.

I had a dream last night;

a dream that I found a book.
Inside that book were,
more or less,
the words;
I saw the wires to the bridge snap,
and it plunged into the water below.
On that bridge were walking two lovers,
and they plunged into the water too.
They tried to reach each other,
but the current pulled them apart.
She died.

2.39am

Underneath my skin
like a pin prick
growing to a clawing at my insides

I'm thick like tar and
everything is always wrong
words are wrong and
all the bruises collect and collaborate
to hurt me further

Just be perfect
just for a little while
an undirected request
but I need it


The house smells like Christmas
but I feel the cold seeping in
and the lights turning off


I'm like embers;
smouldering but dying


You're doing so well 
but there's cracks
and they look like chasms to me
where I can confirm my own worthlessness
and spit venom
whilst I hollow out my soul

You,
and I,
we just need to be perfect for a while.

Skin.

Swirling

circling

all-encompassing

darkness

Choking

bursting

screaming

failure

Desperate

clawing

burning

hatred

Notebooks

numbers

porcelain and

pain

I am pulling out my soul

and I wish it would come out faster.

Untitled.

Today I feel,
lost,
numb,
weary.
I spent the night with an explosion of pain,
in my heart, head, legs,
and I could feel my pulse in every inch of my body.
I was nauseous:
moving hurt, and staying still hurt too.
Today I am 147.25,
but I feel no joy;
I feel nothing.
Today I am broken,
but I can't cry;
I am empty.
I am alone.
I am cold.
I am crushed.

Sinking,
back into my mind,
being left alone with my thoughts and,
it's not what I wanted.
I wanted warm, soft sleep,
and sandwiches,
and sunshine,
and ice cream,
and photographs filled with light,
and nights filled with ideas and inspiration,
but what I got is,
nightmares with a dry throat and a ton of guilt,
emptiness,
fear of numbers,
a grey tint giving me a bleak output and a hand down,
a cloud,
hanging over my brain,
shrouding it.
I just can't seem to think properly.


And you,
you lift it;
for a moment, I get to feel right,
I get to forget it and sink into you.
The odd flash reminds me, but,
I am at home with you,
and sometimes
just sometimes,
I am perfect.


And this is why I don't like it when we have to leave each other,
because my brain hurts,
and my stomach aches,
and the warmth in my body seems to disappear.
I fold up,
collapse,
fall in on myself.


Some days I am okay,
but being alone is harder than it used to be.
You make colours brighter and feelings stronger and I don't know how you do it,
but I wish I could learn how.


I just need to keep busy.